Have I compulsively acted on an obsession, and then acted as if I had actually planned to act that way? When were those times? I minimised it and rarely admitted to how much I drank even to my husband. I always said wasn't an alcoholic even after I realised that I drank too much too often. I'd say to myself that I would exercise control but I knew I wouldn't because I was still wanting to drink to get trashed.
And then I'd re-start because I felt like it would be OK this time even though I'd already prooved it wouldn't be. So I know I shouldn't be drinking long before I actually stopped. I guess I always felt it necessary to justify a drink because I knew for a long time that my drinking pattern was problematic. Never that I needed a drink, no, never just that plain and simple want. So I'd just say I'm stressed or I'm cheesed off or whatever.
I never felt at peace with the idea of of it being OK to get trashed even though that is what I set out to achieve by drinking. Even to myself I would have mental arguments about the necessity vs desire to drink. I'd fabricate or exagerate an event or sequence of events at work in order to justify drinking when we'd previously (often at my instigation) agreed to have a few days/weeks off from drinking. When I drank I often lied about the reasons I was drinking. Have I given plausible but untrue reasons for my behaviour? What have they been?
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